Hey there,

I have “healthy obsession” with pooing. I regularly check the fibre count on packaged goods and make sure I have enough fruit and vegetable to keep me not just regular, but substantial.

I admit it. I have some ego associated to the mass and heft of my number twos.  At Christmas, my sister Paula — known to her adult children as “Dr. Poo — showed me the Bristol Stool Chart. Eureka. Now I had a visual guide, to validate what I’ve known all along–I have superior elimination skills.

I decided to put together a little competition with Mason and Madelaine and I. Basically, a best in three. (Why not Jay, you might ask? Gentle reader, he’s hardly a competitor — Type 1 all the way.)

So we’re competing and Jay’s the judge — he’s so objective. I’m winning, but not gloating.  I do use performance enhancing food — quinoa and boost my broccoli green bean consumption — and turn it into a teachable moment about the benefits of high fibre,  regular exercise and water.

We finish the competition last Sunday. Monday night, we’re sitting around eating dinner and we do the usual, “How was your day, today?”

Mason: I made people laugh.

Me: What happened?

Mason: In sharing circle I told everyone about our “Poo Competition”.

Me: (weakly) Did you have a supply teacher today?

Mason: No, Karina was there.

Me: Did she hear everything?

Mason: Yes, we all laughed.

I’ve decided to back off competing with the kids and just concentrate on my own personal bests.

I leave you with something shitty, naturally.

Adios,

Lisa